Miracle on Moody Street

My drains have identity issues. They get confused. They think they're supposed to hold the water in rather than let it out. They collect bodily detritus and dinner debris, and pretty soon we're showering in six inches of water and tadpoles have sprouted in the standing sink water.

In the past, our solution to these drainage problems has been to call a plumber who charges us eight million dollars for the first 30 minutes and $30 million per hour after that just to rod out the disgustingness and open the drains.

But I have discovered a household miracle--or rather, Mr. Peevie discovered it. It's the Drain Claw, a slender, flexible, plastic-coated rod topped with a mascara brush. You wouldn't think this skinny, bendy, cannula would have miraculous powers, but I am here to testify--say Hallelujah!--that it has changed my life. The Drain Claw is the Rod of Release, the Opener of Obstruction, the Penetrator of Plugs.

For $6.99 plus tax, you will never have to call a plumber again just to unclog your slow, tired drains--and you won't have to dump toxic chemicals of death down your drains, either. Bonus for the environment!

The first time I used this little environmentally friendly device, I pulled a hairball out of my shower drain the size of a large squirrel. I would post a picture of it, but you would be so grossed out that you would throw up on your keyboard, and then you wouldn't be able to visit the Green Room any more, so it would not be in my best interest. But trust me. That thing looked like Toonces after he visited Niagara Falls.

If you have drains, you should have at least one Drain Claw in your possession. You can get it online or at a hardware store.

As always, this is an unpaid endorsement, but I would not turn down a lifetime supply of DrainClaws, or cash.

My New Favorite Thing: DIYMP

I've come across several mentions of Do It Yourself Microwave Popcorn (DIYMP) on The Internets, and I became intrigued. So I compared recipes, experimented, tasted, conducted taste tests with my kids; and here, for your snacking pleasure, are the results.

All you need is a bag of popcorn (about $1.50), brown paper bag (standard size, about $1 for 100), salt or popcorn salt, and butter. Don't even sit there pretending that you don't put butter on your popcorn, because you know you do. You probably even put extra butter on your already-buttered pre-packaged microwave popcorn, don't you?

Oh, wait a minute. That might have been me, projecting a tiny bit.

Some prophets of DIYMP say you need to add 1-2 teaspoons of vegetable oil or olive oil to the bag before popping, but I've done it both ways, and frankly, you don't need it. Save the calories and add more butter later instead. Here's what you do:

1. Put enough popcorn into the brown paper bag to cover the bottom with one layer--about 1/4 cup. If you're adding oil, do it now, and shake the bag to coat the kernels.
2. Fold the bag over at the top. Some folks suggest using a staple to hold the bag closed--and I used tape a couple of times--but you don't really need to. The bag will stay shut during popping.
3. Pop the bag into the microwave oven, either on its side, or standing up--however it fits better. Set the microwave to cook on high for 2-3 minutes--but don't walk away. Depending on the wattage of your oven, the popcorn should take about 2 minutes or less. Mine takes a minute and a half. Press stop when the pops are two or three seconds apart.
   

Voila! You have about six cups of hot, fresh, delicious popcorn. Each cup offers 1 gram of protein, 6 grams of carbohydrate, 1 gram of fiber, a trace of fat (until you add the butter), and 31 calories.

Melt your butter (about three or four teaspoons) and drizzle it on. At this point, your risk of dying of a heart attack goes way up--but so does your buttery snackalicious enjoyment. As an added bonus, DIYMP eliminates your risk of contracting popcorn lung, which is not as fun as it sounds.

(Thanks to publicdomainpictures.net for the photo.)