Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Of Chest X-Rays, Weaponized Bio-Agents, and Evil Tony

OK, fine. You can all breathe more easily now, because my chest X-ray came back negative. No tuberculosis. So you won't have to take prophylactic antibiotics or get chest X-rays. Aren't you relieved?

But now we're faced with not knowing what mysterious malady is marauding my mortal coil. Unsettling, isn't it? My doc has plied me with samples of Nexium, the new purple pill, in the event that all or some of my symptoms can be attributed to acid reflux disease. Like, I'm so sure.

To make matters worse, this morning I stupidly slipped on some stupid water in my stupid kitchen while wearing those stupid faux crocs that ALWAYS cause me to fall on my ass--and now I'm hobbling around like House, only slower and with more wincing. I twisted my leg under me in a way that violated the normal, isometric preferences of my ligaments, and I think I need a leg transplant to go along with my lung transplant.

My kids saw me tumble and came running over, filled with compassion and empathy. As soon as I could speak, I reassured them that I was OK--I think I said, "I'm fine" more times than Jack Bauer said those words to his new, short-term girlfriend Agent Freckles last night, which was far more times than a guy infected with a deadly bio-agent should say them.

Later, we talked it out, because I knew they were a tiny bit traumatized by seeing me writhing in pain. "Were you scared?" I asked them in the car on the way to school.

"Yes," A. Peevie said. "I thought you were unconscious."

Unconscious would have felt good, but no such luck.

"What does 'unconscious' mean?" asked M. Peevie.

"It's between asleep and dead," A. Peevie explained matter-of-factly. I thought it was a pretty good definition.

And speaking of 24, was anyone else throwing up during the Kiefer and Spawn scenes last night? To me, they were completely overdone--not the acting, so much, but the script. "Oh, Daddy!" "I love you, Daddy!" "Daddy, I'll save you!"

I just wasn't buying it, that they'd go from not speaking to each other or seeing each other for several years, to Spawn being all willing to put the past behind her and actually take responsibility for her own life. That is so totally out of character.

And finally: Evil Tony. Yay or nay? I say, nay. First he's evil. Then he's good. Then he's evil. Then he's good. Now he's evil again. If he's evil, does anything he's done in the last three hours make any sense at all?

Please explain it to me.

UPDATE: The little purple pills actually worked. Go figure.

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